Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It will be great. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed in the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of put. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")

In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Certainly, certain, let's have Yet another spot where by American Guys can don robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you everyone a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often smooth energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It is that he must stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the venture, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head noticeable from Room, a characteristic getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, labeled.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It truly is not only ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Functions

Perhaps the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium exactly where visitors may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Manage established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"

The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% stated "where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"

Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"

The undertaking is currently attracting focus from Worldwide investors, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will even involve:

A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a hotel the place my PTSD might have convert-down service."

Yet another submit from Trump Tower Damascus @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories advise:

China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Remaining Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."